March 8th – International Women’s Day

March 8^th is one of those silly, yet profound holidays. We are celebrating women! Yay for me, but really, just one day a year? Or maybe, on this day we highlight all the accomplishment of women throughout time and space. If so, why do we need to highlight it on a special day, they should be acknowledged every day without spoken/written acknowledgement in some colorful parade – just by normal thank you.

I don’t mean to turn this into an angry post about how women are underappreciated (we are), and underpaid (ditto) and how much harder it is for us in most workplaces (it is). But it got me thinking about my situation, my choices and where I am as a (relatively) young and educated woman in my life at this point.

I currently have two young children (3 and 1.5 years old) and after my second one – M – was born I stayed at home. I mostly say I stayed at home as a financial decision; after paying for daycare for two kids I would be left with about ~$200/week. I also make it sound like I would love to be back at work after the twelve unpaid weeks allowed for maternity leave. It is not completely true. A part of me rejoiced in the fact that I “had no choice” and that I “had to” stay at home (yes, I do acknowledge how privileged I am that I actually did not have to go back to make that additional $200/week – I realize many mothers do not have that comfort), another part was scared, longed for the feeling of accomplishment, and the intellectual stimulation that comes with a demanding working environment.

 When I left H (my older daughter) with a loving caregiver after 12 weeks I was happy to be at work but also devastated. I would miss her, think of her and mostly by Wednesday I did not want to get up for work. I was also physically exhausted. But I liked the unrealistic idea of having it all. I practically bragged how I work, commute 75 miles one way, make organic food for my baby while working in a field that still (surprisingly) has mostly men as managers and supervisors.  And there was a lot to be proud of there, but I also missed many crucial “firsts.”

 After staying at home I found a new routine, new fulfillment, I learned to “take in” the little things, but after 8 months I started to really miss work, and I still do. I will grant you I am A LOT more rested than working mothers with little kids, and I have different kinds of stress, but I miss work which I loved and identified with, which challenged me mentally, emotionally and often physically. I miss my coworkers, fresh air, open spaces.

I feel bad when I talk to working mothers who want to stay home but feel like they cannot or really cannot. I do feel like a spoiled brat who gets to have what they want and not appreciate it. I feel bad talking to many stay at home moms who rejoice in this vocation as I feel like I am suggesting to them that their life is inadequate.

Anyways, on this March 8^th, when we celebrate women, I would like to be able to be less critical of myself and celebrate me- the me that changes diapers and the me that does data crunching.  The me that still gets angry that I cannot have it all and the me that will now go pick up my crying baby.